Far Cry 5 Has A Mission About Bull’s Testicles

I recently got to spend a lengthy amount of time with Ubisoft’s next flagship AAA title, Far Cry 5. My overall impression of how the game is shaping up so far is strongly positive, and you can read more here, but one secondary questline in my play session made a particularly strong impression and will no doubt be a hot topic in the lead-up to the game’s release. Here is my account of the mission titled Testy Festy;

Picking up where the previous E3 build left off with the liberation of Fall’s End, I’m given free reign to roam this entire section of map and do as I see fit, and wow, where do I start? Rather than open the in-game map and attempt to choose between any number of points of interest dotting the landscape, I decide just to make my own way and see where it takes me. Fall’s End’s local watering hole, the Spread Eagle, seems like as good a place as any to get acquainted with the locals and maybe pick up a hot tip or two.

A handful of conversations later and I’ve picked a couple of interesting-looking missions, but one immediately stands out to me more than the rest – a quest titled Testy Festy. The Spread Eagle’s resident cook, Casey Fixman, is preparing for the town’s annual Testicle Festival and needs some help with some new bull testicle dishes he wants to try out just in time for the, uh, prestigious culinary celebration. My first errand for Casey simply involves heading to a local barn to pick up a trailer full of equipment, but when I get there I find the barn’s owner in a spot of trouble.

Kenny admits to being indisposed when a vulture made off with the keys to his barn, and has spent the better part of his day trying to shoot it down. I take matters into my own hands and attempt to take out an airborne group of vultures in the hopes that one of them will produce the barn key. It’s a little brutal of a solution but this is the country, I suppose. An embarrassing few minutes of terrible marksmanship later and I return to the barn, key in hand, and retrieve the trailer.

After dropping the goods back in town, it’s time to head down to a nearby paddock to find the unfortunate bulls who will soon be making an unexpected donation to their local community’s cultural event. I’ve been tasked with preparing the aforementioned testicular taste sensations in a variety of different ways, which basically each involves sacrificing bulls in a variety of shockingly sadistic but tongue-in-cheek ways (PETA is gonna have a field day with this game), but it’s the recipe for bull testes prepared ‘blue’ that I predict will turn some heads come next March.

If it wasn’t already apparent in the description, I was going to need grab these balls in a very specific state. I open the gate to an adjacent paddock full of cows in the hopes that I can entice one of the bulls to make a move and sure enough, I soon become a witness to some beautiful bovine boning to the tune of Marvin Gaye’s ‘Sexual Healing’. Brilliant. The cattle copulation is cut short, though, as I take to the matter at hand and relieve my horny friend of his toro-testes. I feel bad, honestly, but if I’m going to be a hero to these people I need to grab each opportunity by the balls, literally and figuratively.

I return to Casey, testicular trophies in hand, and he makes short work of setting up the seminal Testy Festy. A few stiff drinks and some quaint carnival games later and I wake up the next day in a field, surrounded by pigs with party hats, wondering if I’m a bad person. Probably.

This game is wild.

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