Review: Goat Simulator – GOaTY

Goat Review
EDITOR’S NOTE: We decided not to score Goat Simulator due to the nature of the game. There’s nothing comparable to this experience so it’s almost impossible to attach a score to it.

Goat Story
You’re a goat. You do goat things. Most of the time you do things beyond the skill level of a goat. What the fuck else am I meant to say?

Goat Presentation
The game looks a bit better than other simulators but it’s not impressive. The physics engine is all sorts of hilarious but the ‘baa’ noises are repetitive and stuck on a small loop of preselected goat noises. Watching your goat’s neck go haywire when you run into a wall is fun though. As is the very VERY realistic ragdoll system. Cough cough.

You are a goat. You run around headbutting cars, fences, people and getting points for doing so. The physics engine is hilarious and it never gets old to headbutt a car and watch it explode, propelling you across the entire map. Jumping on a mattress or trampoline and watching your goat-self jump progressively higher and higher is actually entertaining as it is idiotic. Trying to land a sweet 1080 front/backflip is always a challenge, and seeing just how many flips your goat can do is something I ended up spending a good hour on, just bouncing and flipping.

There’s a point system in place for everything you do (and I LITERALLY mean everything) in the game, getting points for doing tricks or flying, or jumping over a metal bar. But the points system amounts to nothing. Besides the obligatory achievement for garnering a certain amount of points, they literally mean nothing.

Goat Screen
The ragdoll system is very similar to the ‘Insurance Fraud’ segments of the Saints Row series, as you ┬áragdoll and attempt to get hit by cars and rack up a combo. Ultimately it’s very unfulfilling and empty. The achievements are a bit of a laugh, and finding the treasure trove of easter eggs is always a delight. Imagine my surprise and joy when I found a jetpack I could ride.

But in the end, is Goat Simulator worth your time and money? Absolutely not. There’s a tonne of injokes and I suppose when the userbase starts making mods for it, there could be potential. But it’s…a fucking goat game. And it’s not a very good one.

Goat Conclusion
The ultimate goat simulation game. Flight Simulator taught me how to fly commercial airplanes when I was young, and Goat Simulator has taught me how to become the alpha goat. (Seriously…wait til it’s like a dollar on sale. Or go watch a YouTube video of it).

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