Review: Goat Simulator – GOaTY

Goat Review
EDITOR’S NOTE: We decided not to score Goat Simulator due to the nature of the game. There’s nothing comparable to this experience so it’s almost impossible to attach a score to it.

Goat Story
You’re a goat. You do goat things. Most of the time you do things beyond the skill level of a goat. What the fuck else am I meant to say?

Goat Presentation
The game looks a bit better than other simulators but it’s not impressive. The physics engine is all sorts of hilarious but the ‘baa’ noises are repetitive and stuck on a small loop of preselected goat noises. Watching your goat’s neck go haywire when you run into a wall is fun though. As is the very VERY realistic ragdoll system. Cough cough.

You are a goat. You run around headbutting cars, fences, people and getting points for doing so. The physics engine is hilarious and it never gets old to headbutt a car and watch it explode, propelling you across the entire map. Jumping on a mattress or trampoline and watching your goat-self jump progressively higher and higher is actually entertaining as it is idiotic. Trying to land a sweet 1080 front/backflip is always a challenge, and seeing just how many flips your goat can do is something I ended up spending a good hour on, just bouncing and flipping.

There’s a point system in place for everything you do (and I LITERALLY mean everything) in the game, getting points for doing tricks or flying, or jumping over a metal bar. But the points system amounts to nothing. Besides the obligatory achievement for garnering a certain amount of points, they literally mean nothing.

Goat Screen
The ragdoll system is very similar to the ‘Insurance Fraud’ segments of the Saints Row series, as you  ragdoll and attempt to get hit by cars and rack up a combo. Ultimately it’s very unfulfilling and empty. The achievements are a bit of a laugh, and finding the treasure trove of easter eggs is always a delight. Imagine my surprise and joy when I found a jetpack I could ride.

But in the end, is Goat Simulator worth your time and money? Absolutely not. There’s a tonne of injokes and I suppose when the userbase starts making mods for it, there could be potential. But it’s…a fucking goat game. And it’s not a very good one.

Goat Conclusion
The ultimate goat simulation game. Flight Simulator taught me how to fly commercial airplanes when I was young, and Goat Simulator has taught me how to become the alpha goat. (Seriously…wait til it’s like a dollar on sale. Or go watch a YouTube video of it).

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